"It's Terribly Risky to Guess"

I missed my parents, it's been almost three years then. Unfortunately the memories they left behind seems like as fresh as a fresh fruits. I loved them so much to the extent that I could bargain my life at stake. Every single drop of my tears is nothing compared to what my mother had been through.

Back when I was a child, we had a guitar business, its a family business wherein my father and mother collided with laughter and tears. We as their children would not mind if we earned a lot or not because all we've done was just to asked money from them. Almost all of us, their children we're a happy go lucky type of person. Since I am the only girl surrounded by 9 brothers, I'm often always the spoiled brat. My second to the last brother usually got envy at me every time I asked a favor from my parents due to the fact that they would not take me for granted unlike as with my brother.

I remembered when I was eating my breakfast along with my father,a dearly close to mine. His perception in life was as simple as a YES or NO Examination. The ambiance of our place everytime my father spokes to all of us was like a tremendous event that no one would not tend to bottle up, fact that my father's essence could make us all systematic.

There goes this one day. My brother decided to go on for a vacation in Leyte and he wants me to go with him along with his wife. It was on the month of September after my father's death. My mother wants me to took a vacation for me to cope up with depression. I almost even killed myself when I lost my father, because I don't know what to do. I was actually not in our house when he died, I was at school at that time taking the return demonstration. When I arrived home, I felt the never ending nerved flowing from my veins has been jupardize by a dead cells, I was mezmerize, I couldn't even moved when I saw the dead corpse of my beloved father. Suddenly I felt like crying but then again, no tears would come out. it seems like I'm only day dreaming as what I usually did every time I want to picture out a  certain thing.

Can you imagine what Life without both parents? this is what you will see if you'll open up my mind. I don't know where to go. I don't know why I'm here in Taiwan. All I ever wanted since then was just to be in my room forever. Unfortunately not in my own room, because of my stupid uncle. He ruined our entire house. I don't know his real motives about why he had done this to us. I don't want this to be detailed but he was one of the reasons why I lost my parents. Perhaps he wants us to be in the realm of nowhere.

These thoughts of mine would not be vanished forever unless if I could fortell the real meaning of my existence. Sometimes my mind plays tricks on me. Haunted by the past. Full of what if's, don't have an exact decisions, different as a perpendicular triangle, molded by nobody. I'm anticipating a some kind of living distinct from the family I've had when my parents was still alive. Imprinting a man's face on my mind that would complement my vows. How I wish that one day all the burdens I've had will flew into the air and all oxygenated air will deeply nourished under my skin. What a great life I could have. Wheh!

"UNCERTAINTY"

I'm not perfect, I never tried to be. I've made mistakes. I've taken the easy way out. I've lied to my friends. I've hidden the truth so many times from so many people. I've hurt people, and I've even done it on purpose. I've left people behind. I've said things that I didn't mean. I'm no better than anyone, anywhere. I'm human. I have faults, and I'm not afraid to admit that. I want to change, but I won't. Because that's what we do. That's what we've always done. We list our faults like a grocery list, and we move on, expecting everything to somehow change itself. It never will. I will never change. I will never be perfect. I will always make mistakes. I'll, more often than not, take the easy way out. I will lie, hide the truth, hurt people, leave people behind, and say things I don't mean for the rest of my life...

- I'll keep some feelings hidden because no one would understand, and even if they did understand, there wouldn't be anything that anyone could do to make the feelings disappear.
All these things that I've been through has its own reasons.So I come up with these thoughts

Be always unpredictable, touch people in anyway, say the truth even if it hurts, Just be YOURSELF!

Bringing back memories all through out the year is so hard to be true. I don't know what life that lies ahead in the future. I'm still uncertain of what I want, whom I will marry, what kind of people I should go on with for the rest of my life. If I could ask a reason why I wanted to live, is for that special someone whom I doesn't know yet until now. Precisely I'm not that showy enough for people to determine whether I've been hurt or not. This is what I always wanted. I don't want them to know the portal exit of mine. I used to have ups and downs, too. I’ve had difficult moments, tears, pain and loneliness. I used to sit on my armchair and wonder: why am I here in the first place? Those were some painful moments, but the very fact that I’m writing these lines is enough to tell you that I’m still here. That is the point of every failure – to make you move on.

Living with  8 people in one room is not as easy as what I've been thinking before. Balance is always common. You need to know your place, know your limits and try to put your self on their own shoes. Stand up on your own, don't be so pathetic or else you will be stub at your back. Keep your own secret. Write a journal, indulge yourself with top ten things that you wanted that is not yet been granted. Familiarizing the place, understanding one's feeling. You could probably sorted things out on your mind, not unless if you will not tend to be a pickled minded person. No holds barred. If you wanna reach the peak of success, just go with the flow. Don't be a bitch, bitch, bitch. Fuck all those shits, it's bullshit.